It’s taken me a while to process how I’ve been feeling lately. Personally, I was the recipient of a pretty awful action. It was one that made me question humanity and my own ability to understand the emotional stances of others. It made me feel “less than,” which inevitably created a backlash of muck to inundate my mind. Things that had been buried returned to overwhelm me. I returned to the war zone I had fought so hard to understand and overcome, because I couldn’t make sense of the reality. I was ready to give up again, to return to the hole I had painstakingly crawled out of over the last year.
But I have refused to allow this. My body doesn’t want it, and my mind wants to do better. And with this, I have realized something pretty big: I still have a voice, and it matters.
What happened to me wasn’t fair. It was unjustified and cruel. No amount of time will change the action nor the snowball of issues that followed. What happened left a broken heart. Hurt and pain turned to anger and outrage. It swallowed me up, reminding me of how trust can be so easily violated. It reminded me of how there are still things about this world that are heinous, that people are capable of siding with monsters. It showed me that people can be both surprising and predictable at the same time. It convinced me that there are those who want to cause others harm, who will do anything and say anything to achieve it. It told me that there are some things in this life that are truly unforgivable.
It is painful right now. Nightmares have resurfaced. Anxiety has mounted. Self worth has shattered. These things must be felt fully to stay aware, to find a foothold in the fallout, to resist the darkness.
I will move on from this. There will be no forgiveness, nor will it be forgotten. But I will move on. I have cut the tether that has kept me stagnant. Because that is all that can be done.
I matter. Me. The human behind the computer. The person that received the hate. I am alive. I am breathing. Pain is the guide for healing, for the mending of the cracks in my heart.
I am here. This is my voice. This is my strength standing up to say the following:
If someone tells you that they were sexually abused, believe them.
If someone says that they have acted on notions of suicide, be kind.
If someone has the words to say how much pain an assaulter can cause, show compassion.
Above all, be a good human being.