This Broken Brain

 

this-broken-brain

Part 1:

One afternoon in March, I called the suicide hotline. I had hit my breaking point. My body was completely numb. I was afraid of myself. I needed to be honest about what I was planning to do. I needed help.

The connection established.

I said, “I’m going to commit suicide.”

The person, said “Don’t do that.” An annoyed tone crept up among their words.

“Do you have someone to talk to?”

“No, that’s why I called you,” I said. “I really need you to help me.”

A burning sensation filled my chest cavity. Admitting that was hard.

The person, increasingly frustrated said,”God says suicide is a sin.”

This was my first time calling this line. I was shocked at what I was hearing. How did any god have any say in what was happening at that moment? How was that supposed to help me after stating I was going to commit suicide?

“I’m not religious.” I stated, blandly.

“Well that’s your problem.” they said, pointedly. “You don’t believe in the Lord, Jesus Christ, your savior. You wouldn’t feel this way if you did.”

“I’m an Atheist.” I said. I had not fully believed that thought until then.

They scoffed.

I hung up.

I focused on how much I couldn’t feel. I couldn’t sense anything except my burning heart.

I picked up something sharp. I made a tiny nick near my ear.

Nothing.

I watched little beads of red surface in my mirror.

I was tired. Exhausted. Unprepared.

My body fell to the floor.

I  woke up after dark.

Numb.

Goodreads Tag

I was tagged by Renuka to participate in the Goodreads Tag today! Thanks for the fun activity, Renuka! Here is my information below:

What was the last book you marked as ‘read’?

23019294

A Head Full of Ghosts, by Paul Tremblay.

What are you currently reading?

5364

Dragonfly in Amber, by Diana Gabaldon.

What was the last book you marked as ‘to read’?

28491574

The Girl in the Glass Tower, by Elizabeth Fremantle

What book do you plan to read next?

1934

Do you use the star rating system?

Yes, and I wish there was a half star rating.

Are you doing a 2016 reading challenge?

Yes, though grad school got in the way this year.

Do you have a wishlist?

Yes, basically everything TBR on my Goodreads.

What book do you plan to buy next?

I’ve been hungrily waiting for Hannah Kent’s new novel, The Good People, to come out in the US. Seriously, why is it taking so long????

Do you have any favourite quotes, would you like to share a few?

Who are your favourite authors?

Always: F. Scott Fitzgerald, Ernest Hemingway, and William Faulkner

Contemporary: Hannah Kent, Joyce Carol Oates,

Have you joined any groups?

Several.

How many shelves do you have on goodreads?

20!

I tag…

Life Is a Book Blog

Alexandra VanHorn

Megan Johnson

 

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