Meet and Greet: 3/24/17

Dream Big, Dream Often

 dreambigwallpaper-pinkombre

It’s the Meet and Greet weekend everyone!!  Strap on your party shoes and join the fun!  

Ok so here are the rules:

  1. Leave a link to your page or post in the comments of this post.
  2. Reblog this post.  It helps you, it helps me, it helps everyone!
  3. Edit your reblog post and add tags.
  4. Feel free to leave your link multiple times!  It is okay to update your link for more exposure every day if you want.  It is up to you!

  5. Share this post on social media.  Many of my non-blogger friends love that I put the Meet n Greet on Facebook and Twitter because they find new blogs to follow.

See ya on Monday!!

View original post

Little Victories Vol. 5

a-shuhani-541

Hello everyone!

Welcome to Little Victories Vol. 5. The past several months were pretty brutal with work, life, and school. I had very little time for anything fun, including reading books and writing (I know!!). Anyway, there are a few things to celebrate this week, that I’m itching to share!

  1. My research proposal was accepted, and I’m about ready to finish the project! This means that I’ll have a master’s degree VERY soon! I chatted a little with Ms. Suzy yesterday about how ready I was to be done. I love school, but I am excited for the prospect of having free time to resume some activities that fell off with the constraints.
  2. I found a unicorn, and by this I mean that I stumbled upon a person similar to me. Being an INTJ personality means I’m hard pressed to find another person who understands me, especially a woman. We exchanged numbers and have kept up with each other so far. It feels so good!
  3. I’ve stuck with a workout routine: About three weeks ago, I had an appendectomy (more on this life changing experience later). Since then, I’ve been making a real effort to take care of my body more, which has included getting back into running. At the beginning of the year, I started conditioning myself by doing some good muscle strengthening exercises for running (my knee had been injured the semester previously, so I had to take baby steps). After the appendectomy, I felt much more committed to my goal. The first week back was hard, but this week was wonderful and full of good milestones for me. I’ve also registered for a race!
  4. I’ve made some plans for this blog. You’ll see a lot more updates and book reviews soon, among other positive things. Stay tuned!

Thanks for joining today! Have a wonderful weekend!

Signature

I Wonder

phr_s0peof0-milada-vigerova

I’ve wondered lately if I’m a good person. I’ll say it to myself. I’ll let it marinate.

Sometimes I contemplate it so hard, that I lose track of time.

Hours go by for me without one word uttered. It blurs me in and out.

I never discover the answer. My mind never commits one way or another.

Today, I started feeling the familiar twinge of a migraine.

Light sensitivity, nausea, searing pain, intense fatigue.

It’s one of the many symptoms of this mental illness circling inside me.

It is the curse of thought, self-doubt, and a deep unrest within me.

Am I a saint or a devil? An angel or a demon? Good or evil?

The middle ground has disintegrated around me.

I can only replenish the sadness.

I can’t eradicate it.

I can only chip away at how much I care.

 

Little Victories Vol. 5

yr-clxvdjoi-aaron-burden

Hello!

It’s been a while since I’ve written in this area, and it feels like the time to contribute again. I hope everyone has been well and thriving this holiday season. A lot of things have been shifting in my life lately, and processing it has been hard, particularly in the two weeks. I’d forgotten to take some time out of the chaos to remind myself that there are things worth celebrating. So, I’ll get to it!

Kindness-As I’ve alluded, things have been a mess for me lately. After a rough few weeks, flashes of old, scarring situations have surfaced. I seized the opportunity to write them down for this blog, to hopefully start a conversation with people who may be feeling similarly or raise awareness that mental disorders are sneaky bastards. I’ve written two entries so far, resulting in some great email conversations with individuals. I urge you to read them and join the conversation. Mental health continues to be considered an unsavory topic, and often people are uncomfortable with talking about it. I had this instance last weekend after my mom followed me into a room and watched a panic attack ensue. She would not address it. She kept talking to me like the attack wasn’t happening. Blindness to or unwillingness to understand mental illness is a true detriment to the individual healing process and societal empathy.

But there have also been some people who have risen to the occasion, and have helped me through the issues. They have supported the weight of it, propped me up when it felt crushing. For them, I am truly grateful.

Sleep-Finals crept up for grad school too quickly. After an incredibly hectic semester, I felt ragged. Finals seemed like an unnecessary hurdle for the end, so I procrastinated my work slightly. This meant I had two weeks where I had extra late nights. However, I achieved a 4.0 semester! My celebration of this will be a weekend of true rest starting tonight. I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am about this. In my true nature, I have pre-scheduled naps tomorrow and Sunday to ensure I complete what I have set out to do. Only one work day stands between me and R&R (I can do this!).

Music-With the emotionally chaotic  few weeks, I’ve turned (even more so) to music to get me through. Like books, music has been a staple in my life since the womb. I grew up playing instruments, stuck with professional lessons on the piano for 14 years, achieved awards in percussion, and started lessons on the violin this year. Music builds me up and allows constructive ways to reflect and relax.

Thanks for reading today. Your support has not gone unnoticed. Happy Friday!

This Broken Brain

this-broken-brain

A 2004 high school snapshot:

“I’m addicted to hurting myself,” I said with a dry voice. Dry eyes.

“What do you mean?” My friend said.

I lifted my sleeve as high as it would go. They eyed the burns, the jagged cuts.

“Fuck.” they said.

“I don’t know what to think of myself. I think I might be suicidal.”

“The hell you are!” They said.

I saw the anger steaming from the top of their head.

“Fuck you!” They said.

The words worked into my brain.We sat together in their car near my parent’s driveway. It was our space for honesty, a closed off sanctuary.

“I’m telling your parents right now!” They said, jumping out, violating our rule of secrecy.

“Please don’t.” I said. “I can’t handle them knowing.” I pulled on my hair to make my scalp sting.

They walked toward the front door, my mind capturing it all in slow motion.

I leaped out too. I ran. After a mile of a full sprint, I jumped into the woods of familiar trees and familiar scopes.

I hid. My parents were going to disown me. I knew it.

I watched the world fall dark. The woods began to turn on me. I walked away from the road, hearing the wind rattle the dead leaves around me. Hot, stinging tears fell from my face. My eyes worked against my brain, as it tried to squelch the pain.

As anxiety began to surface, I started singing.

“So this is odd. Painful realization that all has gone wrong, and nobody cares at all.”

The dark accepted my words. The cold air whisked them away.

My skull throbbed, echoing the scream rising in my throat.

I wandered, blindly. The trees became ghosts, wailing shadows for monsters ready to pounce. I heard the wind playing its sad melody with a creaking door in the distance.

“Follow me,” it sang. “Find me.”

I walked on. Sharp chest pains begged me to stop.

“So you buried all your lover’s clothes and burned the letters lover wrote, but it doesn’t make it any better. Does it make it any better?” I said

“You’ll never know,” something said.

I kept on. “And the plaster dented from your fist in the hall where you had your first kiss. Reminds you that the memories will fade.”

“You aren’t worth the memories.” I felt claws.

“So this is strange. Our sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance where nobody leads at all.” I said, softly.

“Yes. You are lost.” A heavy weight landed on my shoulders. I cried out, falling hard.

With a ragged breath I said, “And the picture frames are facing down and the ringing from this empty sound is deafening and keeping you from sleep.”

I stood up.

“Stay lost, empty one.”

I ran away. I didn’t look back to see what had tried to catch me. I pushed my lungs as hard as they could muster as I saw the edge of the woods ahead.

I sprinted out, came to a stop, and doubled over. My mind hit its no return zone. The urge ground myself with pain welled beneath my  skin. A haze fell over my brain.

I grasped for reality as my mind hung on to the song. “And breathing is a foreign task and thinking’s just too much to ask and you’re measuring your minutes by a clock that’s blinking eights.”

I spied the screeching door in the distance. My mind focused, and walked toward it. I closed my eyes for long stretches of time as my legs continued on autopilot.

I reached an obstacle. I touched the wooden fence blocking my way. Numbly, I put a food on the bottom rail in an effort to raise myself over it. I heard an abrupt sound, scarily close to me. I looked up to see a white figure brush past me at full speed. I slipped, knocking my chin on the fence as I fell sideways. I cried out, from pain and fear.

I looked up expecting to see Satan standing above me. Surprised to find nothing, I looked around and my mind came into focus. I heard galloping steps and saw the horse moving alongside the fence.

“Well, this is incredible, starving, insatiable. Yes, this is love for the first time. And you’d like to think that you were invincible.Yeah, well weren’t we all once, before we felt loss for the first time? ” My voice project into the open space.

I noticed the horse’s agitation as I realized that the air felt right for a storm. I backed away from the fence  toward the woods, feeling braver.

“Well, this is the last time,” I said, laying down next to a dense tree. I covered my body with leaves and closed my eyes.

A little while later, I called a friend to help me.


*lyrics by Chris Carrabba

 

This Broken Brain

 

this-broken-brain

Part 1:

One afternoon in March, I called the suicide hotline. I had hit my breaking point. My body was completely numb. I was afraid of myself. I needed to be honest about what I was planning to do. I needed help.

The connection established.

I said, “I’m going to commit suicide.”

The person, said “Don’t do that.” An annoyed tone crept up among their words.

“Do you have someone to talk to?”

“No, that’s why I called you,” I said. “I really need you to help me.”

A burning sensation filled my chest cavity. Admitting that was hard.

The person, increasingly frustrated said,”God says suicide is a sin.”

This was my first time calling this line. I was shocked at what I was hearing. How did any god have any say in what was happening at that moment? How was that supposed to help me after stating I was going to commit suicide?

“I’m not religious.” I stated, blandly.

“Well that’s your problem.” they said, pointedly. “You don’t believe in the Lord, Jesus Christ, your savior. You wouldn’t feel this way if you did.”

“I’m an Atheist.” I said. I had not fully believed that thought until then.

They scoffed.

I hung up.

I focused on how much I couldn’t feel. I couldn’t sense anything except my burning heart.

I picked up something sharp. I made a tiny nick near my ear.

Nothing.

I watched little beads of red surface in my mirror.

I was tired. Exhausted. Unprepared.

My body fell to the floor.

I  woke up after dark.

Numb.